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The following events occured at Savoy Kitchen over chrysanthemum tea and hainan chicken ( 海南雞飯 ) …

It was an innocuous conversation between Pollux and I — a simple supposition on the validity of the ratings, the digital conversion of physical prowess into binary, granted to certain basketball players in NBA LIVE 2001. As with all conversations filled with hot air and mindless drivel, this one ballooned to catastrophic effect. What started as a ratings discussion led to a simple team building exercise for NBA LIVE 2009 (a game we might never purchase as its place in the list of priorities falls below the need to get an actual gaming console capable of running said game). As rules and stipulations were set in place for an imaginary game run on our imaginary gaming console, NBA fanboy fanaticism reared its ugly head and that simple team building exercise mutated into this:

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The MISSION

Form an NBA team, a full 15 man roster, ostensibly capable of making the 2008-2009 NBA playoffs.

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The RULES

1. NAA – No All-Stars allowed. Meaning no current all-stars and no former all-stars.

This means no to the likes of: Black Mamba, King James, Flash, CP3 (dumbest nickname ever), Big Fundamental, Vinsanity, The Answer, The Truth, Jesus Shuttlesworth, B Roy, Boozer, Boom Dizzle and their ilk. Yes, this group includes people like David West.

2. The Grant Hill Amendment: All-Stars that are well past their primes are certainly welcome; particularly veterans with a myriad of health issues. This includes the Big Aristotle, Antonio “I made KG run away from me like a big pussy” McDyess, and Grant-Hill-drinks-Sprite.

3. The Wally World Exception: Guys who were All-Stars but never should have been are also available for free agency pick-ups. You know, guys like Wally World and Jamaal Magliore (yeah, he’s still playing).

4. The Deron Williams Addendum: Deron Williams is widely considered as the 2nd best point guard in the ‘verse and should have been an all-star over David West; thus, he is an honorary All-Star.

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The DILEMMA

Herein lies the catch lovingly referred to as the Lucky Pierre Dilemma^A — we must operate as if each of our team owners is a bastard love child conceived through some form of dark mysticism during a threeway between Donald Sterling^B, Chris Cohan^C, and Michael Heisley^D. Therefore both teams must operate within a $40M salary cap. No mid-level exceptions. No luxury tax. Just $40 million dollars to be divided amongst 15 players^E.

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blurbnotes…

^A the lucky pierre: the urban dictionary definition.

^B LollllllololllOLOLLL. Clippers fans. LoLLLOL. Tim Thomas… LolllOLLL. fugazy. LolOLL. Zach Randolph the butt pirate. <— never heard about this? google it. “Zach Randolph Sued” or if you are of a dirtier frame of mind “Zach Randolph Anus.” LOLOllOLLL.

^C Chris Cohan is the owner of my Dubs. He blows. Here are a few highlights from his enlightened tenure as the owner of the Warriors:

1. Joe Smith at #1.
2. Adonal Foyle over Tmac. Why does this hurt? Because it does.
3. Todd Fuller.
4. Sprewell chokes PJ.
5. Cohan is booed by the home crowd at halftime, with his son looking on, at the 2000 all-star game. Classless? Maybe. Deserved? Probably.
6. Gives Dumbleavy and Murph huge contracts.
7. We don’t make the playoffs for a long long time… and when we finally do ticket prices are raised for the following season and the team is subsequently blown up the following summer.
8. The ROWELL ERA. fuuuuuuuck.
9. He signs Corey Maggette to a $50M contract.
10. Clippers fans laugh at us. CLIPPERS FANS.
11. He signs Corey &*#^$# Maggette.
12. Clippers fans laugh at us. That is worse than Kings fans laughing at us.

^D Michael Heisley, owner of the Memphis Grizzlies, owns the team with the lowest salary at approximately $48M. We decided to make this exercise more difficult by rounding down to $40M. Also, the impetus behind the great Gasol Finagleling.

^E Player salaries taken from reported 2008-2009 figures.

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Without further ado, here is team Crow {click to view full image} >>>>>

STARTERS: WINGS FOR DAYS

Derrick Rose: Forget about the Andre Miller crossover. Take note of the block. That was beautiful. Some serious can’t quit attitude. Remember what Chad Ford said about Derrick Rose — roughly paraphrased “Dude, Rose is a 6’3″ version of Lebron. FUUUCK!” You can forget about keeping this kid out of the lane. Remember all that talk about how Rose was like JKidd but with a slightly dimmer view of the court? Well they were right, sometimes the cat still gets tunnel vision but c’mon, it’s Jason-fucking-Kidd. The 50% shooting on the other hand drives away all Kidd comparisons. When Rose figures out that almost no one in the league can check him… watch out. Oh yeah, his wingspan is five inches longer than he is tall and he plays D; add that to his 40-inch vertical and improving court vision and you have my starting point.

Andre Iguodala: Have you seen the guns on Iggy? (yeah, I know he hates that nick, but that is seriously the best one he’s got). ’nuff said.

Seriously though, Iggy is stone cold man. Like Rose, Iggy is very strong for his position and is oftentimes slotted at SF where his insane athleticism causes all sorts of havoc for opposing threes. So why did I open the vault and shower $11M for him? Easy, he is a terror in transition, one of the best finishers around the basket (a strength my entire starting five shares), has an improving midrange game that is good enough to keep defenses honest when they collapse on Rose, can overpower almost any two guard in the league, and is a hellacious defender. Like Pippen, Iggy has great lateral mobility, a freak of nature wingspan (6′ 11″), great hands, and is most commonly set on the opposing team’s perimeter alpha dog. Iggy Pop is a stat sheet filler with a nose for steals who has many of his defensive assignments declaring “We wuz robbed.” Add these positives to his improving three point stroke and we have the makings of a offensively potent one-two punch, replete with two ballhandlers — either of which can get their shot off at any time. What is really great about the Iggy-Rose combo is that neither are sieves on D, in fact, they would compose one of the most feared defensive backcourts in the game. Now can you imagine if either one of them developed a post-game?

Rudy Gay: I couldn’t get Granger, not that Gay is a bad option. However, the edition of Granger would have given this team a lot of size and strength at the one-two-three slots; his three-point shooting would have also helped space the floor, opening it up for dribble-penetration. That said, Gay is a fantastic alternative who has a ceiling that may be higher than that of Granger. You would think his 7’3″ wingspan and god given athleticism would make him a great defender — sadly the kid still needs a greater understanding of how the game is played on the defensive end. Thank goodness for Iggy. So what does Gay have? Well, he has started off slowly this year, but his three-point shot is sure to rebound to about where it was the previous two years at around 35%; so although that wouldn’t be as good as Granger’s mark, it is enough to keep defenses honest. Besides, he set those marks as the Grizzlies go-to guy, on this team he is a fantastic third option; and if he doesn’t play up to his talent, there is always the new and improved Trevor Ariza waiting to take his spot.

Brandan Wright: Blatant homerism you say? Homoeroticism you say? Damn straight! Is he the best PF on my team? No, that would be Al Horford. Is he a bruiser in the paint, a vicious enforcer that will not be pushed around? Nah, that’s Paul Millsap the centuar. Hell, is he even a PF? Sure, if he binges on Krispy Kreme and In & Out (two readily available sources of nutrients) next offseason. So why is Wright my starting PF? Same reason I blew a quarter of my cap space on Iggy, I just like the kid. Check out this highlight clip from 07-08 sampled from three games. Ice cold. —->

I’ve seen this kid three times live. Once at MSG and twice at Staples. He was gawkish, gangly, and brimming with potential. I have been watching him like a hawk via NBA League Pass, and I have got to say, this young condor is legit. He runs the floor, is there on every fast break, hustles on defense, and his PER is 20.81 (12.15.2008). He can beat his man off the dribble, has a fluid inside game, a soft touch around the basket, a decent shot from 15ft in, and an insane wingspan that allows him to do some seriously OMFG shizzle. He blocks shots, grabs impossible rebounds, passes out of dicey situations, finishes whatever Captain Jack throws his way, runs the floor like an antelope, sees the court, has a fucking hook shot, and sits at the end of the Warriors bench. So why is Don Nelson hellbent on destroying this kids career? I am assuming it is because Brandan can’t shoot threes. You know how coaches yank players that make one bad play? I have seen Brandan get yanked after good plays. No kidding.

Andrew Bynum: I gotta preface this with a simple statement. I am not a fan of Andrew “Lovechild of Tracy Morgan and Tracy Morgan’s Hand” Bynum. No no, this kid has got some serious game and his contract is most amenable; but the main reason Bynum is on Team Crow? I have to take him or Pollux will. He might not know defense enough to keep him in the game during the fourth but this kid is a young Goliath and not one easily fell by a pebble. Look at those measurements again, you know when they were taken? When he was 17. That’s right, this kid has gotten bigger, has reportedly added inches to his vertical, and has banana hand mitts. I am sure Laker’s fans remember Kwame’s hands of stone and thank the sports gods (i reckon that would be Nike) that Kobe inadvertently motivated Bynum with his camera phone tirade, transforming a lazy manchild into a soulcrushing, whiny, larger manchild. All I know is I cried myself to sleep every time Bynum beasted Beans, wondering why Lakers fans had all the luck. Oh yeah, he can run the floor along with the rest of the starting five, has a developing post game and is privately tutored by Mr. Sky Hook himself.

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2ND UNIT :: SWISS ARMY KNIVES, BRUISERS & ABUSERS

My second platoon can start for a lot of teams in the NBA. I have arguably the best backup PG in the league with Jordan Farmar, whose large ears obviously help increase his vertical to an ungodly 42 inches; and his familiarity with Mr. Tracy Morgan and the high-flying Ariza would also help team chemistry. He is a great change of pace guard with excellent range, has experience in a halfcourt set from running the triangle offense, has played in the NBA finals, has been tempered by the competitive fires emanating from the Black Mamba, and holds his own on D.

At the two we have Rudy Fernandez and Ronnie Brewer – Rudy was thrust into the spotlight after posterizing Dwight Howard in China, but the Blazers have been salivating over his potential since drafting him in 2007. He is an excellent three point shot and is inventive around the basket, he is however a bit of a lightweight defensively. As for Ronnie Brewer, he has been disciplined by the best and starts for a Coach who is known to hate noobs, a testament to how hard of a worker he is. Brewer is a utility guy that scores without needing the ball, he has a strong midrange game, his backdoor cuts are a thing of beauty, and he can throw it down with authority. On the other half of the court he is a steals fiend using his long arms to regularly disrupt passing lanes.

Trevor Ariza is a testament to Zeke’s drafting prowess. Too bad Zeke did not know what he had and traded him away along with a dirty used penny for the services of Stevie “I can’t get my groove on cuz my best mate is on the Clips jacking up shots and partying it up without me. I pine for my Cat.” Franchise. All you need to know is that this is Trevor 2.0, they re-calibrated his shooting — add that to world-class athleticism, seriously defensive skills, and giant wings and you get plays like this:

“Game called. Trevor’s block deemed too nasty. Stack punches out entire team, starting with Nowitzki and Cuban.”

Paul Millsap and Al Horford are elite bruisers. If you haven’t heard of Millsap by now, go kill yourself. Since his rookie year he has put up huge numbers in limited minutes; this year Millsap has been the human wrecking ball, just pounding defenses. Granted he doesn’t have Boozer’s glorious ambidexterity, but then again neither does he have Boozer’s history of injuries, or Boozer’s apparent disinterest in all things defensive. Perhaps he is simply letting it be known that maybe it is time to let Boozer ride off into the Miami sunset; or perhaps it is time to swap the Booze for an elite three like Marion (i hate this guy, but Marion and Kirilenko on the same team, egads). This guy crashes the offensive boards, is abnormally quick for a widebody, blocks shots, gets steals, and does it all for $800K.

If Brandan Wright does not work out at the power forward slot, Al Horford, who really would start if anyone else put this team together, is ready to take over. Yeah, Big Al is a centaur, a beast, a workhorse. He is not afraid to stand up to big mouthed idiots like The Truth and he is a great kid (he was just emotionally crushed by his foul on TJ); but the best thing about Al is this, he can start the transition offense, he is a good enough ballhandler to ignite fast breaks, is a smart passer, and is fast/athletic enough to finish plays.

Alright, quick rundown of the rest of the guys, you know, the dudes that won’t even sniff the court. Ramon Sessions, also known as the Kid Twenty-Twenty is the third string PG, and really should be starting for the Bucks this year ahead of Luke “I got invited to Olympic Trials because I am way overrated” Ridnour. Bill “I could have been the next Air Canada” Walker could very well represent as the second guy the Celtics took with two bum knees who amazingly becomes a player in the league. He is tearing it up in D-League, has a strong postgame for a two, and got in an altercation with resident chihuahua Kevin “I eat guys like Jerryd Bayless for lunch” Garnett. Walker is best known for being OJ Mayo’s bestest bud and running mate, here is to hoping he can regain some of his on court magic. Jamario “I can jump to the” Moon is basically a homeless man’s version of Ariza, the greatest asset he gives this team is the $711K salary he brings with him. Finally we have Jason Thompson rounding out an already fearsome foursome in the frontcourt; he is a great energy guy that does a lot of the little things that coaches love. Plus, he has a connection to the Dubs: we let slip that Thompson was the dude we wanted, the King’s were like “Let’s make the Warriors bend over…” drafted him, Nelson and crew did a little giggle dance and drafted Anthony Randolph instead.

FIN

Players left out after some serious deliberation (that and Iggy’s exorbitant contract):

Rodney Stuckey: $1,687,320 : great at getting into the lane, strong D, becomes redundant with Rose on the team.

Mahvelous Marvin Williams: $5,636,142 : has the makings of a very good defensive player, beautiful midrange game, capable of stroking it from behind the arc, large price tag.

Durantula: $4,484,040 : may very well be worthy of the tag offensive juggernaut by the end of next season. still, sort of a black hole on O, doesn’t see cutting teammates, soft on D – somewhat mitigated by his tarantula-like arms, needs to put on some serious weight, questionable shot selection, gay is available for around half the price.

Here is Pollux’s crew :: Team SUNDANCE.

Here’s how to beat Team Sundance. Hire some hot, young hookers, dress them up in American Apparel, send them over to Gregory’s house the night before the game, and Giggity giggity giggity. Game time comes, you can forget about interior D, Oden will be playing way older than his 40 some odd years.